When I say I come from Paris in France, no one asks me further questions, besides if I know Kylian Mbappe or if I could see the Eiffel Tower from my balcony.
Sadly no, and oh-my-God-do-you-have-any-idea-of-the-parisian-real-estate-no. But I was never asked where I really came from. Or where my parents came from.
I am writing about something I have never experienced. I here am trying to understand and explain something — even though I have been doing my research — I will never have to go through. And yes, it is very important to understand that before going deeper into the topic.
It is okay not to understand something. But it is definitely not to try convincing people who know better than you will ever do.
People are entitled to have opinions and different ones, that is a given. But there are some topics where you can have your opinion, but you can not force it on people who are more aware of the situation. It is okay to not understand why it is wrong to ask someone black where they really come from. It is okay to want to know better and to act better.
But we can not ask black people to stop being annoyed about a topic we will never have to go through.
White people, I, can only suppose, can only imagine how it must feel. But it is something I will never understand. Not because I lack empathy, but because I am white and was born free, from free parents, and free grand-parents, I never have been looked at differently, I never have been asked where I really came from, I never faced people looking at me funny because of my skin colour, daily.
We all want to share our opinions, but when it comes to racism, let’s try our best to trust people who actually have been through it and sadly keep on having to go through it at every party they go to.
Figuring out black people, or how to put someone in a box they don’t want to be.
We all have to go through the now well-known “in what box are you in” type of scenario. Sexuality-wise, job-wise, and kids-wise. There is always someone (besides society in general) trying to put us in a box we do not want to go to. Or how to make us feel like we have to figure out who we are and what we want, simply to answer loaded questions at Christmas Dinner.
But when a black person is asked for the thousandth time where they really come from. It is more than loaded, whether it is willingly or not.
It is a question that comes with all the heavy History black people have been through. Hundreds of years of feeling like they did not belong, of Segregation, of not being considered as equals and denied their identity, forced to give up on their roots and their heritage. And in 2023, having to feel like once again, a black person is not a person enough to “just” come from where they are actually saying they come from, is not okay.
Where someone comes from is not who they are
For my friend Léa whose parents were born on Martinique Island, it goes even deeper than that. “I am tired of being that exotic thing people want to figure out and put in a box so they would feel better, so they would feel like they get me by knowing my roots.”
“And it is nothing compared to some of my friends who have darker skin” she adds.
“There is a colourism issue within the black community; the lighter you are, the more protected you can be regarding ordinary racism. I am mixed so it makes sense for people. But when it comes to someone whose skin is blacker, people can be even harsher.”
We sometimes talk about communitarianism when it comes to the black community or immigrants, but no wonder why certain cultures want to stay together when we see what they have to go through daily, having to explain themselves and answer questions from people who don’t see why they are so problematic.
There are some issues people can simply not understand. They might try, we might try, but we will never experience it. The only thing we can do, is understand and trust people who tell us how diminishing and painful it can be to — once again — feel like they don’t belong enough to be asked the same (boring) questions at a party.
So next time we are outside socializing, trying to do a bit of networking, getting closer to that crush of ours, or simply avoiding our very annoying roommate; let’s try not to be that person. That person who really is going to make a black person uncomfortable and who might have to go through a five-minute monologue to explain why some questions, when only asked to some people, are simply not okay.
